i had some dreams

2010-12-05T01:13:00.001-08:00

Hey all :)

I'm moving to a new blogging site. I'm having difficulty finding time to post any new updates, and my new location allows me to post from my phone -- excellent!

So, please join me at http://laulaa-k.tumblr.com

I mean it. Go now.

2010-11-01T19:51:00.000-07:00

Oh, wow. Someone needs to post something -- anything!

Alright, let's see... Summaries seems to be the easiest way to go, so... Let's figure out where I left off and start this thing!

- I'm finding myself quite happy in Seattle. I love the way the skyscrapers tower over me every day. I love how they glow against the black (and now, cloudy) Northwest skies. There is this one specific building... It's unlike any other in Seattle. The design and structure -- I don't know what it is about it, but it's absolutely beautiful. Definitely my favorite one here. I've yet to find out it's name, but... Give it time :)

- Classes are still going well...ish. My grades are fine and all that, it's just... So. Much. Work. It isn't just homework. I knew there would be a lot of that. This is college, after all. I'm not an idiot. But the amount of outside work that isn't defined as your your average load of bookwork is astounding. Hours upon hours of practice until all the notes you sing sound the same -- until your fingers are stuck in the position of the last chord you played. It's intense, and SO HARD to stay healthy with all the late nights and heavy work loads... Which seems kind of ridiculous, doesn't it? Not the working hard part, but the "I'm-gonna-assign-you-this-many-hours-of-work-tonight-but-get-lots-of-rest" part. Silly, but... Just gotta deal.

- My roommate is wonderful. I had prayed so hard that I wouldn't have a roommate that drove me insane. The Lord came through! I won the roommate lottery. She doesn't smell. She doesn't stay in our dark room all day. She doesn't give in to the usual 18-year old drama... I mean, not all the time. This is art school. Drama is how we thrive. I'm talking about the "you-talked-behind-my-back-so-I'm-putting-Vaseline-in-your-key-card-reader" drama (Yes. It's happened.) that she doesn't give in to. Makes my life a WHOLE lot easier.

- I've found a potential roommate for next year -- to live with OFF campus. I had seriously considered becoming an RA, but... Ugh. I don't hate living in the dorms, but if I don't have to do it again, I will LEAP at the chance not to. Anyway, it's pretty much a for sure thing, just gotta keep convincing my Pa, but... I have faith in my abilities ;)

- I'm very much looking forward to Thanksgiving. Very. Much. So. I'm excited to get to go home for a few days. I love Seattle, but Naselle is home. I love it, and I've got people to bother!!!

- I got to meet Rainn Wilson from 'The Office' last weekend. He's cool, and he likes how I spell my name. No big deal.

- I've been going to church with Conor and some of his friends from SPU. I LOVE it. Bethany Community Church in Greenlake -- go there. It's grand!

Ummm......

- I've discovered pour-over coffee. Heaven. Absolute Heaven.

- I found out a couple weeks ago that all of our music classes (s0, all but one of my classes) will all end 2 weeks before school gets out in order to leave us time to prepare for/perform in our ESP's: End of Semester Performances. So basically... This means that my classes end in 4 weeks. I'm beside myself with relief and excitement.

- My baby sister got moved up to varsity for the district volleyball tournament -- Go, Kayti! So proud of you baby girl <3

2010-10-19T10:43:00.000-07:00

"In three words I can sum up

everything I've learned about life:

It goes on."

-Robert Frost

2010-09-23T16:19:00.000-07:00

Wow. I really need to post some sort of update. Silly college, taking up all my time...

So -- Seattle is AMAZING. I love it up here. Our dorms are right in between the looming downtown skyscrapers and the Space Needle. We can walk everywhere... Hopefully not in the rain, but y'know... Seattle.

The people here are fun. They have proven to be kind and extremely supportive in what is normally a cut-throat world. I have yet to feel any tension or competition between anyone for any reason, and I am SO thankful for that.

Classes are awesome, too. It's a ton of hard work -- as usual -- but getting a music degree is no joke. We have like... Twice, (sometimes more than that,) the amount of work as the other disciplines. The actual amount of work looks like barely anything on paper... But take it outside the classroom... WHOLE different story. It's all good, though. I can save my social life for the weekends. If I have to. I guess.

It'll all be worth it in the end. That is the most reassuring thing.

PLUS -- a special handful of my best friends are all here in this city with me.

Fun times :)

PS - Sorry for the lack of detail. It seems I lied to myself about the amount of time I actually had to write. More stories to come, I promise.

2010-09-03T00:12:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm officially in Seattle.

A tight schedule doesn't allow me to write as much as I'd like to, but soon... Very soon :)

2010-09-01T00:06:00.000-07:00

It is officially after midnight. Wednesday has arrived. I'm sitting in the living room of our suite here in Seattle, watching TV while my parents sleep in the adjacent room -- totally unable to sleep myself... And who could, in this situation?! Tomorrow is the day my life changes. Not in a cliche "and from that point on my life was never the same" kind of way, but in a REAL way. Tomorrow I officially move into a place that is not my parent's home for the first time in my life. With that comes a million life changes, as I'm sure you all know. My mind is racing with thoughts of anticipation -- racing to fast to shut off for slumber.

4 out of 5 of the other freshman that I've met are in the same dorm as me. My roommate is nice. My RA is hilariously fun. The people-watching has proven to be rather excellent... I'm so excited. I'm looking forward to the freedoms, the challenges, the relationships, the training... Everything about the school and the city and the people in it.

It's going to be a good year.

2010-08-29T20:30:00.000-07:00

When you walk through a storm

hold your head up high,

and don't be afraid of the dark.

At the end of the storm

is a golden sky,

and the sweet silver song of a lark.

Walk on through the wind.

Walk on through the rain,

though your dreams be tossed and blown.

Walk on,

walk on

with hope in your heart,

and you'll never walk alone.

You'll never walk alone.

- from "Carousel"

2010-08-29T01:08:00.000-07:00

It's come down to just a few days... Tuesday afternoon I leave behind my comfortable life in God's Pocket, and trek ahead on a new adventure in the Emerald City.

Auditioning for a school like Cornish was something that never even crossed my mind. I had my life planned out so differently. The Dream: Go to school in New York, marry a rich man with an accent, have 2 children, adopt 2 more children, and spend the rest of my life performing on Broadway and traveling the world.

By January of my senior year, my plans turned into... Go to school at Clatsop Community College, transfer somewhere with an AAOT... Then move to New York and do the "real stuff"... While I knew I needed to make the choice at first to forgo that plan and stay here, I didn't know why -- and I wasn't totally happy with it. I WANTED the other plan. I WANTED the charmed life. I WANTED the Dream.

I've learned so much in the last 3 years -- all about how our plans NEVER go how we want them to. Life is funny like that. I've made and changed plans at least 5 times over the past year and a half alone... There is no way we can ever know what is REALLY going to happen!

If you would have told me a year ago that I'd be attending Cornish in the Fall of 2010, I'd have never believed you. At this time last year, I was just going to move to Seattle, work full time, perform part time, hopefully obtain my equity card from the 5th Ave. Theatre, and THEN go about the Dream.

Only now am I realizing that this whole life... It's ALL the Dream. It's just taking the scenic route.

I'm moving to Seattle instead of New York. I'm going to Cornish College of the Arts instead of Manhattanville. I'm majoring in classical voice performance with an emphasis on musical theatre voice performance... Okay so that's the same :) I'm living in dorms and not a penthouse with a rooftop terrace. I'm spending hundreds of dollars at the U Bookstore rather than at Bloomingdales. I'm performing in recitals rather than in "Wicked" or "Les Miz". I'm not married, no kids, and the farthest I've been out of the U.S. is Canada... And I'm HAPPY.

I AM living the charmed life. I AM blessed. I AM loved. I AM living the Dream.

Plans change.

Our plans do, anyway.

God's plans are always the same.

Put your trust in Him, he'll get you to where you need to be.

NEED being key.

What you want isn't always what you need.

I know that now.

I'll still get to New York, just not right away, and maybe only for a little while. I'll still get married... He may not be rich, but he'll probably have an accent (I just can't get rid of that one so easily :D) I'll still have kids and I'll still adopt -- but 4? Maybe... Maybe 6. Maybe 8! It's not totally up to me. I'll travel, but I don't know where. I'll perform, but it might be open mic night's for the rest of my life. I have no way of knowing every detail of what's ahead. I have no way of planning out every single day.

A friend of mine recently consoled me during a bad day by saying, "Don't worry little one. Everything always works out the way it's supposed to. Isn't that comforting?"

Comforting, indeed :)

Don't be afraid of changed plans, because in reality, they haven't really changed at all.

2010-08-25T11:14:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is a big day for me.

A lifelong wish comes true.

It's nothing big, nothing substantial -- actually, when I sit back and think about it, it seems pretty silly.

But tomorrow is the day I get a new smile.

The gap in my front teeth isn't large -- not anymore. As a kid I could fit the front of my pinkie between them. I dreamed of the day that I could get braces and no longer have to look at myself and see that hole. That day never came. As I got older and my wisdom teeth started coming in, everything started to push together -- the gap began to close. But in my head, it's still massive.

During my last trip to the dentist, we found that I had chipped part of one of my front teeth. The first idea was to file it -- something I was emotionally against. Anything to make the gap even wider wasn't something I was going to go for... Not if there were other options. Luckily for me, there were :)

A decision was made to fill in the chip -- and my gap right along with it... At no extra charge! While the procedure may be cosmetic, it's going on the form as reconstructive. Totally covered by insurance.

To some, it may seem like no big deal.

But for a girl who, at a young age, trained herself to smile with her tongue strategically placed behind her teeth, so that at a certain angle and distance the gap was almost non-existant... This is a huge blessing.

2010-08-23T22:47:00.001-07:00

The reality that my sisters and I are leaving each other is becoming clearer.

The grief is setting in.

2010-08-07T00:15:00.000-07:00

I get to spend this weekend with some of my most favorite people.

3 years ago when we graduated from high school, we went from seeing each other every single day, to not -- in a matter of moments.

This weekend will be the first time that some of us have seen each other since that time we were taken out of our normal routine, and definitely the first time we have ALL been together at once.

The beauty of the situation?
The distance means nothing.
The time spent apart has no effect.

We come together as though we never left.

That, ladies and gentlemen, is what the term "best friends" really means.

2010-08-02T18:59:00.001-07:00

I'm not here to talk about myself today.
I'm not here to give any new news.

I'm here to remind about news already passed.

Haiti.

It is so easy to become... Exhausted from compassion.
It is easy to move on and forget when you don't see the pain and destruction everyday.
But the work isn't over.
There is so much more to be done.

Many of you remember Molly Hightower -- you either know her from the news, or from my previous posts. She was the niece of my Mom's good friend, and now, she is one of our greatest inspirations.

I encourage you to visit her blog: http://mollyinhaiti.blogspot.com/, and if you are so moved to do so, you can make a donation at http://www.friendsoftheorphans.org/molly.

The work in Haiti is not over.
Not even close.

You can send donations.
Send care packages.
Sponsor a child.
Volunteer.

Pray.

If all you can do is pray, it is enough.

I am also posting the music video for Michael W. Smith's "Come Together Now". He wrote the song for Haiti -- in the style of "We are the World". Over 100 Contemporary Christian and Country music artists contributed to this piece, as well as over 100 kids from around Nashville.

This song isn't about religion.
It isn't about the ever present battle of the church vs. the world.

It's about coming together for the good of mankind.
Working together.
Living together.
Loving together.

It's about not forgetting what we are all here to do.

2010-08-01T23:23:00.000-07:00

One. Month.

2010-08-01T19:15:00.001-07:00

It's all done.
Officially over.

I just opened an email saying that every. last. bit. of paperwork for Cornish is turned in.

All that's left is to wait on the news about the roommate.
Fingers crossed for a fun one!

Also -- how is it August, already?!?!
Complete insanity, this "the older you get, the faster time passes" thing.

2010-07-26T16:02:00.000-07:00

Summaries, summaries...

- Finnfest came and went as it always does -- so quickly, yet so slowly at the same time. It's one of those things that can only be understood if you attend. I feel like my performances went well... I sang 6 songs at different times throughout the day, ending with "Taylor the Latte Boy", naturally. I didn't forget my lyrics in the songs I was worried I would, and people laughed in all the right places of "Taylor" :) Success.

It was definitely my favorite of all the festivals, to date. I don't know what it was exactly, but I really enjoyed myself... I mean, I always do, but this time more than ever. It could be the nostalgia settling in as I prepare to move away from this tiny town, it could be that we recently said goodbye to my cousin Rosie, one of the women who started the festival, and I was missing her. It could also be that all of my commitments throughout the weekend only consisted of activities I enjoyed, and therefore wasn't stressed beyond belief.

- The Sillanpää family was back for this festival -- Jemina, Selina, and their parents Seppo and Aija. I always love when they come. They are amazing performers and even more amazing people. Jemina and Selina are living in Helsinki in a brand new "bigger than before" apartment, so we're hoping sometime in these next couples years I can make a trip over and stay with them. Let's pray it works out!

You can all buy their newest album -- I think from '08 -- on iTunes. Band'o: Huu. "Huu" is one of my favorite songs of theirs, and I'm pretty sure Jemina wrote it... Actually, I think the majority of the album, if not the whole thing, is comprised of original works by the girls. Even if you don't understand Finnish, it's still enjoyable.

- I saw a documentary during the festival that inspired me to no end: "The Singing Revolution". I highly recommend it to anyone who likes history. It's about the country Estonia, Finland's neighbor to the South -- separated by the Baltic -- and how music helped them gain their independence from the Soviet Union... Something they fought decades for, and finally gained in the early 90's. There were so many moments that seemed like they could only be written in some fictional Hollywood project, except they were true. Naturally, I cried from beginning to end. It's one of the most inspiring films I've ever seen in any genre, and now I'm desperate to attend the annual Estonian Song Festival. Watch the movie and you'll understand what I'm talking about.

It was also really interesting how much I felt I related to the people in the film. Not because I've shared similar experiences in prejudice or persecution, but because they looked like me. The children in the movie looked more like me than any kids in any Finnish movies I've seen. Watching them was like watching me and my sisters and my cousins. And the Estonian language is really close to Finnish... I understood more (when I wasn't reading subtitles) than I expected to. They share a lot of the same vocabulary... They share more commonalities than Finland shares with the Scandinavian countries.

So basically, I have a newfound love for the country of Estonia.

- The dance was awesome, as usual -- and we made complete fools of ourselves, as usual. We polkaed, waltzed, schottished and humpaaed 'til tomorrow came, and even learned a few new dances. Also, a certain member of the band was super adorable. That's all I'm sayin' ;)

- Only 2 days after I wrote the post concerning my cousins the Burkhalters, the second referral came. Babies Teseti (4 months) and Dejene (11 months) have begun the process of joining the family. We couldn't be more pleased, and the boys are beautiful! I've yet to hear what their names will be when the adoption becomes official... I'm very excited to learn that news when it comes.

- My baby sister, Kayti, turns 14 today. She starts high school in September. I'm feeling pretty... Old, right now.

2010-07-20T21:50:00.000-07:00

A short, but heartfelt congratulations to my cousins -- the Burkhalters. We are filled with joy and anticipation to meet your new boy! He is beautiful and so blessed to be joining your family. We're waiting on the edge of our seats for that next referral, so that a second precious boy can be as lucky as this one -- we pray that the call comes soon.

We love you so much!

2010-07-20T21:03:00.000-07:00

I am an echo

of the eternal cry of

'Let There Be'.

- from "Children of Eden"

2010-07-15T22:55:00.000-07:00

July 13th was always our day -- my Grandpa's and mine.
Born on the same day, 61 years apart.
It was my favorite part about my birthday: the fact that I got to share it with someone I loved so much.

July 9th, 2006 took that away from me.

Losing my Grandpa in general was hard enough -- losing him so close to our day was gut-wrenching.

Birthdays are supposed to be full of joy and fun and celebration.
I used to have a countdown going year-round.
I used to put up signs around the house, blatantly, but good-naturedly reminding my family that my birthday was coming up soon.

But suddenly I had to celebrate in a way that I didn't know how: alone.

Not alone, like no one was there. Alone, like I didn't know how to not share it with my Grandpa anymore. Only now, 4 years later, do I finally feel like I've learned how. This birthday was the first one that I didn't spend the whole day missing him.

I thought about him that morning when I woke up, as I do every birthday... But this time I didn't cry.
I thought about him when I read my card from my Grandma, seeing only her signature at the bottom... But this time I didn't have to bite my lip in order to keep myself from publicly losing it.
I thought about him as I went to sleep, as the last moments of my 21st birthday passed by... But this time I didn't feel guilty for laughing or smiling, because I know that having a good time is exactly what he would want me to do. Those of you who knew him, know just how true that is :)

I want to thank all of my family and friends who helped me celebrate this year.

Whether you were with me at midnight, ringing in my day with a bottle of champagne and a rousing rendition of "Paper Planes", with me during the day, celebrating over a cup of coffee and good conversation, or sending me your love and well wishes over the lovely world of Facebook -- I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart.

It's because of you that I'm able to move on and have fun and celebrate this life.

And Grandpa... I love you. Always.

2010-07-04T17:23:00.000-07:00

'Cause it's a kid with a chance,

it's a Rock 'n Roll band,

it's a farmer cuttin' hay.

It's a big flag flyin' in the Summer wind

over a fallen hero's grave...

You can shake our ground, but you can't break our foundation.

We bleed Stars and Stripes.

2010-07-01T20:42:00.000-07:00

Let me ask you something.

If someone prays for patience, you think God gives them patience?

Or does he give them the opportunity to be patient?

If he prayed for courage, does God give him courage,

or does he give him opportunities to be courageous?

If someone prayed for the family to be closer,

do you think God zaps them with warm fuzzy feelings,

or does he give them opportunities to love each other?

- from "Evan Almighty"

Seize your opportunities.

2010-07-01T19:56:00.001-07:00

One of my favorite pastimes: Ladies coffee and conversation.

We try to get together every couple weeks, though often times the span between visits is longer. (Ahhh, life.) It's always loud and vibrant -- filled with stories and laughter and love.

Today was especially love-filled.

Baby Moses, the newest gift to my friends at http://fromwhomallblessingsflow.blogspot.com/, arrived from Ethiopa nearly a month ago, and today we celebrated his homecoming.

He is absolutely beautiful: smooth chocolate skin, chunky thighs and pudgy feet and hands that you just can't stop staring at. His hair is thick and soft, and running your fingers through it is addicting. He has the biggest smile, and has a wise understanding to widen it every time a camera is raised -- and his EYES. Oh goodness, his eyes. Large and observant, expressive and knowing, with thick eyelashes that go on forever. He has an easy temperament, LOVES attention and babbles like a pro.

I could go on and on all day.

The real point of my posting this, though, is that spending time with this precious boy today reaffirmed my heartfelt knowledge of my calling to adopt.

I wasn't very young when I found out that my Dad's younger sister was adopted, but I knew right then that it was something I wanted to do. Later on, I would come to realize that it wasn't so much my own want, but rather something I was supposed to do.

I've always loved children.
I've always had a heart for people who hurt in ways I can't understand.
I've always wanted to... Make a difference.

I don't have a voice or opinion esteemed high enough to "save the world".
I don't have the resources to build schools or houses.
I don't have the funds to form foundations or charities.

But I do have love.

It's the one thing I know how to do without second guessing my abilities.
Sometimes I love too much.

To be able to open my arms and spread this love to children who need it...
Sometimes I can hardly wait.

2010-07-01T01:01:00.000-07:00

We walked until 1:30 am -- three friends and a dog.

Side by side down the middle of the road we went,
with nothing to light the way but the moon,
and occasional flicker of a flashlight to be sure
the aging lab hadn't wandered too far.

We looked at the stars winking in the massive black sky,
and breathed in the cold, perfumed air that comes
hand in hand with the Summer nights in our tiny town in the woods.

We talked of the things
that only the greatest of friends can speak of
without feeling that the conversation is going too far.
We talked of the things
that only the greatest of friends can speak of
without feeling that the conversation isn't going anywhere at all.

And just like with any other night spent together,
random moments interrupted any sort of poetic stride
we thought we had found in our setting.
Go figure.
But as we know: Anything can happen in the woods.

Walking back against the wind I could feel my breath
run into my face
before rising into the sky.
I could hear the river rushing through it's path
-- never stopping, always rolling --
and the frogs singing their last lullabies.

I said goodnight to my friends and the dog,
thanking the starry Heaven above me
for placing them in my life,

and for placing us here.

2010-06-30T01:59:00.000-07:00

Everything is in place.
All that's left is to move into my dorm.

Last week I got my schedule, student ID (memorized it after seeing it once, thank you,) e-mail, and dorm-life checklist.
I met 50% of my classmates (all relatively normal, thank the Lord,) my advisors, my personal coach, and a student from Astoria.
I was counceled about loans, both subsidized and un-subsidized -- something that I'd like to never sit through again. Sooo many words -- sooo many charts. Bleh.
I ate delicious cafeteria food (HALLELUJAH!) and found out that I will NOT be the oldest girl in the dorms.
I enjoyed every overwhelming, confusing minute as I watched the last 8 months of stress come to fruition.

Mostly every minute...

During our Music Department meeting I had the weirdest vertigo (which we later decided was from dehydration/drinking coffee on an empty stomach.) We weren't doing anything significant -- just sitting there, going around the room introducing ourselves. I said my name, hometown and major. Moved on to the next person, and then the next, then the next, etc... Suddenly the room was... Rolling. It wasn't a "spin in a circle for 30 seconds and then try to walk" kind of thing. The room was moving as the course of a wave. I closed my eyes and tried to shake it off, opened my eyes again and everything was white. I thought I passed out, but I could still hear everything. I was sitting next to someone I met at my audition and again later at my campus tour -- someone I've now gotten to know over the past few months since. I just whispered to her that I was dizzy and couldn't see. I knew I needed to put my head down, but didn't want to cause a scene... So she carefully slid my purse in front of me and told me to pretend like I was looking for something. Ha -- clever girl.

2 minutes or so later I could see again, but the rolling didn't stop until about 3 minutes after that. So strange. Yuck.

Apart from that eerie experience, everything was awesome. I had a great time meeting my new people -- the ones I'll spend the next 4 years with, and had fun spending some much needed quality time with my original people -- who will be in Seattle with me :)

OH! I also learned that I will be graduating during Cornish's 100th anniversary. Don't ask me why, but things like that excite me. Great timing, on my part, applying when I did (Ha!)

2010-06-07T22:33:00.000-07:00

Summertime

and the living is easy

2010-05-31T18:46:00.000-07:00

Happy Memorial Day

Let us remember those who gave their lives,

and think of those who serve today.

Be inspired by their courage.

Be humbled by their sacrifice.

Pray for their safety.

Sandra, Casey, Andy, Josh, Nick, Jeremy, Beau and Keifer:

Thank You,

for everything you're doing.

You make me so proud.

Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.

- John 15:13

2010-05-28T10:58:00.000-07:00

I love being a girl.
I can feel what you're feeling

as you're feeling it inside
the feeling
before.
I am an emotional creature.
Things do not come to me
as intellectual theories or hard-shaped ideas.
They pulse through my organs and legs
and burn up my ears.
I know when your girlfriend's really pissed off
even though she appears to give you what
you want.
I know when a storm is coming.
I can feel the invisible stirrings in the air.
It's a vibe I share.

I am an emotional creature.
I love that I do not take things lightly.
Everything is intense to me.
The way I walk in the street.
The way my mother wakes me up.
The way I hear bad news.
The way it's unbearable when I lose.

I am an emotional creature.
I am connected to everything and everyone.
I was born like that.
Don't you dare say all negative that it's a
teenage thing
or it's only because I'm a girl.
These feelings make me better.
They make me ready.
They make me present.
They make me strong.

I am an emotional creature.
There is a particular way of knowing.
It's like the older women somehow forgot.
I rejoice that it's still in my body.
I know when the coconut's about to fall.
I know that we've pushed the earth too far.
I know my father isn't coming back.
That no one's prepared for the fire.

I know that lipstick means
more than show.
I know that boys feel super-insecure
and so-called terrorists are made, not born.
I know that one kiss can take
away all my decision-making ability
and sometimes, you know, it should.

This is not extreme.
It's a girl thing.
What we would all be
if the big door inside us flew open.
Don't tell me not to cry
To calm down
Not to be so extreme
To be reasonable.
I am an emotional creature.
It's how the earth got made.
How the wind continues to pollinate.
You don't tell the Atlantic Ocean
to behave.

I am an emotional creature.
Why would you want to shut me down
or turn me off?
I am your remaining memory.
I am connecting you to your source.
Nothing's been diluted.
Nothing's leaked out.
I can take you back.

I love that I can feel the inside
of the feelings in you,
even if it stops my life
even if it hurts too much
or takes me off track
even if it breaks my heart.
It makes me responsible.
I am an emotional
I am an emotional, devotional,
incandotional creature.
And I love, hear me,
love love love
being a girl.

- from "I Am an Emotional Creature"

by Eve Ensler

2010-05-28T10:06:00.000-07:00

Wow, time flies.

It's been over a month since my last post... How did I let that happen? How in the world am I supposed to do what I set out to do -- keep my people updated -- if I never actually DO it?

Something must be done...

Today is a busy day, so bullets it is!

- My last day at Dress Barn was Wednesday. I never expected it to be as emotional as it was -- although, who am I kidding? I am an emotional creature. Eve Ensler had me pegged when she titled that collection of monologues... (Actually now that I write those words, I really should post the monologue I stole them from... Yeah. I'll do that. Next -- I'm on a different train of thought right now.)

- Our Elijah performance went... Relatively well. I'm not going to start getting into what sort of things went wrong, as it was a live performance, and if EVERYTHING goes off without a hitch... Then it really doesn't count. I felt good afterwoods, so I guess that's what counts. Plus, I met some new people from the orchestra -- God knows how much I enjoy new people :)

- One week after the Elijah, my vocal coach had a recital for all of her voice/piano students. I was set to sing 3 of the most demanding I've ever done: Sweet Chance (an art song from the late 19th Century,) O Mio Babbbino Caro (Puccini aria. Gulp.) and Show Me (from My Fair Lady.) All three in different styles; different characters. I had to be focused and prepared to make my voice switch in the ways it needed to -- So of course, I got sick the night before. If I still had my tonsils, they'd be infected. (Good thing I had them out when I did.) I restricted myself to limited talking (what?!) and gargantuan amounts of tea and honey. My performance went alright, I suppose. Adrenaline took away what amount of throat pain it could, but by the last song I was beat, trying to get through as quickly and gracefully as possible.

What really made my day, though, was when I was sitting in the pew, waiting for the recital to start -- focusing -- when I heard "Ahem." Standing above me was the last person I expected to see at this casual small-town recital: Nicole Matthews. She's an old friend -- a friend who has always been such a HUGE support of me with all of my musical endeavors. I hadn't seen her since my high school graduation, and suddenly here she was. She moved back to Portland from DC a couple months ago, but I wasn't expecting to see her until Summertime when my schedule slowed down. I couldn't believe she made the drive for 3 measly songs -- what an amazing friend. I shot up and we hugged for God knows how long, pulling away to say a few words, but never letting go. Such a great surprise.

- The school's Pirates of Penzance went very well -- I was so proud. I loved watching the kids in the audience. You could see every little boys' pirate dreams come to life in their eyes as they watched on the edge of their seats. Alan's niece, Ava, was so enamored with Karli, following her everywhere after the performance, trying to decide if she was actually real... Adorable.

- Jenna Ruth Hinkle made her way into the world on May 14th. I had literally stepped out the door after getting off work, when I got a text from Chris saying they were at the hospital -- and at 7 cm. I fully expected that baby to arrive before I did, but I got there just in time. I walked into the room and 15 minutes later, there she was: The 9 lb 2 oz butterball that completes the Hinkle family.

- Two very dear people, Alex and Riann at http://fromwhomallblessingsflow.blogspot.com/, left for Ethiopa on Sunday, and yesterday met Moses -- their newest precious addition -- for the very first time. I'm so very happy for them, and can't wait until they bring him back so I can hold that sweet boy (and yeah, probably cry. Go figure.)

- I'm still receiving mounds of paperwork from Cornish. I got a big packet of the different required non-artsy classes to choose from... Boring. So boring. I'm so glad that the majority of my classes will be... Not like these, ha. Who knows, they could turn out to be interesting????

-Karli's graduation is fast approaching, and I've volunteered myself to stuff, address, and mail her announcements, as she is crazy busy and doesn't need this dull task on top of everything else. I also really need to get a move on finishing her scrapbook -- which she doesn't know about. Here's to hoping she doesn't read this.

2010-04-16T22:30:00.000-07:00

I hope I never reach a point in my life where I feel like I've done it all.

I want to always be learning -- always be growing.

I want to feel as if there is always more life to be lived.

2010-04-10T23:38:00.001-07:00

No storm can shake my inmost calm
while to that Rock I'm clinging.

While love is Lord of Heaven and earth
how can I keep from singing?

- from "How Can I Keep From Singing"

by Robert Lowry

2010-04-07T22:48:00.000-07:00

60 Randoms About Kelsi RaeAnne

1. I love pickles.

2. I wish I had a twin.

3. My Dad calls me Laulaa ('to sing' in Finnish.)

4. I've known the majority of my closest friends since pre-school or earlier.

5. I have a freckle in my left eye.

6. I can't burp.

7. I'm afraid of papercuts.

8. I learned how to walk in Victoria, BC.

9. I can say the alphabet backwards.

10. I'm a sucker for accents.

11. I want to spend at least a year living in both Europe and New York City.

12. I rarely sneeze more than twice in a row.

13. My brain moves so much faster than my mouth that I can interrupt my own side of a conversation.

14. I'm way better with pictures than I am with words or numbers.

15. I believe that everything sounds better in Italian.

16. I'm related to Buzz Aldrin, the second man on the moon.

17. My great-great-great-great Grandma is on a postage stamp.

18. I could spend all day listening to music and drinking coffee.

19. I love people.

20. I passionately hate parakeets and sleeping with socks on.

21. I think Sharon Osbourne has the most adorable voice.

22. I've had the chicken pox twice.

23. My Furby died with its eyes open.

24. I ran into a prop tree during a performance of 'Into the Woods'.

25. The smell of an orange peel makes me want to vomit.

26. I named my car after Estelle Getty -- affectionately known as Stella.

27. I will never be able to live away from water.

28. I have a passion for AIDS and Breast Cancer research.

29. I love Disney movies.

30. I still listen to all my Bubble-gum Pop albums from the 90's.

31. I've been thrown off a treadmill.

32. My music/movie collection could probably pay for my college tuition.

33. As a kid, I was absolutely convinced that I was going to marry Zac Hanson.

34. I can cry at the drop of a hat.

35. I'm a terrible sleeper, but sleep really well when it's stormy, or when I can hear the frogs croaking outside.

36. It's common knowledge that I have little control over my volume.

37. I'm at my happiest when I'm singing.

38. I'm obsessive over proper grammar and correct spelling.

39. I don't care for roses.

40. I very much dislike lasagna.

41. I hold my breath in tunnels.

42. I am known for my Jennifer Coolidge and SNL's Target Lady impersonations.

43. I love rainbows.

44. A song can change my mood in an instant.

45. I've always wanted to take part in a raging protest.

46. I miss people every day.

47. My Mom spent her childhood in Liberia, West Africa.

48. I adore Finding Nemo.

49. One of my bottom eyelashes always grows in a ringlet.

50. I love old movies. I could spend all day watching Turner Classic.

51. I wear a size 6 shoe, but usually buy a 6.5 to make myself feel a little bit more like a grown-up.

52. I love to laugh more than anything.

53. I've never been skiing.

54. I was once electrocuted by my nightlight.

55. The day I got to spend in New York City was also the day of the Blackout.

56. Once I form a friendship I cherish it with all of me.

57. I'm a night owl. I don't do mornings.

58. I trip all the time.

59. I would have loved to have lived through the 20th century.

60. I'm always daydreaming.

2010-04-05T12:23:00.000-07:00

"I do not pray for success -- I ask for faithfulness."

-Mother Teresa

2010-04-04T04:22:00.001-07:00

Summary time is here again!

- Apparently, with acceptance to Cornish comes mountains of... Paper. Financial Aid, housing, parental information, Financial Aid, staff updates, music department staff welcomes, Financial Aid, student 'getting to know you' dates, orientation dates, Financial Aid, program updates, performance schedules, and oh yeah, Financial Aid. Talk about selling your soul for your education.

- The North Coast Chorale's 'Elijah' is coming along rather well, in my opinion. Now that we are past the learning/sight reading stage and are going back and woodshedding every single little detail, it's starting to sound really awesome. The basses are also better than they've ever been in my 3+ years of singing with them. (John: If you're reading this, stop gloating.) I'm really excited for us to perform at the Liberty -- and for Deac to be singing the part of Elijah. He's so stinking amazing, I can hardly stand it.

- I've been giving the kids in the junior/high school singing lessons for their upcoming performance of 'Pirates of Penzance' (junior version, naturally.) With only a few weeks to go until opening night, I'm finally starting to see the lights come on in their heads. It's a pretty good feeling and I hope they know how proud of them I am. I still have a lot of work to do with them, though. Gilbert and Sullivan is no joke -- they've gotta be on their toes!

- The weather here has been as bipolar as I've ever seen it. How, in a half hour, can we have gorgeous sun, torrential rain, and blasted snow? Ugh, snow. I'm hoping it stays wet and driveable. I like snow when I don't have anywhere to be, but that is not the case right now. So let's rethink this snow business, shall we? Thanks.

- My sister turned 18 yesterday. What is this, Karli? It's sick, is what it is... Though I'll feel a whole lot sicker when it's Kayti. Oy... Sadly, I had to work and miss out on all the festivities, but some of the girls came into the store to see me (which I seized as a perfect opportunity to decorate Karli in a new dress for Graduation.) She also went and got her hair done, which she never does, and which I've yet to see. Her friend Lindsay went all out and planned a big party for Karli, so that's where she's been all night. It's so great of Lindsay to do that for her -- she's an awesome friend, and this small but mighty big sister who has chewed out many a mean girl for her sisters (always unbeknownst to them) over the years is very thankful for her.

- Jenny flies to Greece today -- GREECE! Ahhh, I'm so excited for her (and extremely envious, not gonna lie.) It's her 'Sisterhood' moment, and she's going to have an awesome time... Not sure what she plans on eating, though -- silly girl and her grilled cheese/french fry/noodle diet :)

2010-03-28T21:23:00.001-07:00

Today was amazing.

I left church feeling refreshed and energized in a way that I haven't felt in a really long time. While I've been looking forward to all the new things beginning to take place in my life, today was the first time I've felt like I couldn't wait for them to happen. I've been ready, but afraid -- as would be natural, I suppose. Today, however, was the first time that I really started to think of all the things God has in store for me in the midst of all this change. I've always known God has a plan for me, I've always known that it would be good -- but I never really thought about just how amazing it can and will be until today. I was suddenly struck with a whole new amount of excitement and bravery for this new adventure -- for my purpose in life. I felt like a brand new person.

Then, on the way to Astoria, just as I was driving over the hill from Naselle to Knappton, I smiled at my favorite view in the valley -- the massive Columbia River and the Astoria Bridge peeking through the trees. But there was something more to the view today -- green. Tiny baby leaves had begun to poke their heads out from the tree branches, changing the world around me from grey and tired Winter, to green and joyful Spring.

The change in the season reflected the feeling of change in my life.

"...and everything that's new has bravely surfaced,

teaching us to breathe.

What was frozen through is newly purposed,

turning all things green.

So it is with You,

and how You make me new

with every season's change,

and so it will be

as You're re-creating me.

Summer. Autumn. Winter.

Spring."

2010-03-14T22:52:00.000-07:00

I have the most amazing people in my life.

People who make me feel loved, and who are constant reminders that I always have somewhere to turn.

They are a pillar of strength -- an incredible support system -- cheerleaders who have no idea how huge of a role they play in any and all of my accomplishments.

They tell me that they're "always right behind me, cheering me on."

But they're not behind me.
I'm not leading anyone.

I walk through this life with all of them beside me, making them a part of the journey every step of the way.

I couldn't do it alone -- and I'm glad for that.

I'm glad I get to call these people mine.

2010-03-11T22:34:00.000-08:00

My audition was scheduled for 2:30, but I walked out of the historic Kerry Hall at 2:15.

I arrived an hour and a half early (1:00 for those of you not feeling the whole 'math' thing,) in order to have 'adequate warm-up and practice time'. I signed in, and since I had arrived with adequate time before the adequate time, they had me do my music theory and ear training tests before my audition. Great for me -- that was the part I was the most nervous about. Get it out of the way as soon as possible!

The theory was not as difficult as I had anticipated. Obviously there were things I didn't know (does anyone know what the ii chord diminished in the key of F is? Probably not...) but I was very relieved to find that I knew most of it and therefore didn't start out my day feeling like an idiot. It's always nice to have that happen.

Ear training could have gone smoother. When my instructor Greg (adorable, but same name as my dad -- weird) played a melody, I sang it back like it was my favorite song. When he played a rhythm, I clapped it back like my hands could do no wrong. When I was then instructed to write it down... Well, YOU try and remember six measures of a melody/rhythm after hearing it only twice and all at once rather than one measure at a time. Impossible.

I was done with both of my tests by 1:30. I walked out of the room and a tiny little man camed and introduced himself to me -- my accompanist. Sweet guy.

We had been rehearsing for less than 15 minutes (1:42 ish) when a girl came in and said that the person scheduled for 2:00 was stuck in traffic and asked if I'd like to go in ahead of him. Umm, YES! No hesitation on my part. Get in and get out. No need to let the nerves that I walked in with grow any greater.

She walked back in a mere few minutes later (1:45) and announced that it was -- direct quote -- the time for ass-kicking. (She was funny. I have a feeling we'd be great friends.)

I walked into the room and am crushed to see that it's devastatingly tiny. So small. Singing in a room that small is torture; singing a high B in a room so small could be lethal. I shook off that feeling, though, knowing I had to suck it up and just do it, and introduced myself to the three judges.

God only knows what I said at this point -- I was so out of my element that I hardly remember anything vividly -- all I know is that I said something, heard laughing, and then heard one of them say, "Oh, she's funny!" That definitely helped. It made the whole rest of the audition/interview process seem like we were just hanging out, rather than them judging me.

I was done with the audition at 2:00; done with the interview at 2:15.

I was done before I was even scheduled to begin.

I did not deliver the performance of my lifetime. I did not sing like my life depended on it.

But I did deliver a performance that told a story. I did sing like I was standing in front of masters, begging them to mold me and teach me and transform me.

And it worked.

I got in.

:)

2010-03-05T10:21:00.001-08:00

Audition weekend has arrived.

I don't have too much time to write -- nor do I really have the patience as anxiety has taken over nearly my entire being -- but I figured I should post something. We're loading up the car for the trek to Seattle, where I will sing for my life.

So pray, pray, pray.
Wish on a star.
Blow on a dandelion,
or even an eyelash.
Hold your breath.
Cross your fingers.
Think happy thoughts for me

as I head into what could be a life-changing event.

Pray, pray, pray that I find peace.
Pray that I find peace so I can ROCK IT!

...Also pray that I don't have to use my inhaler, as I am a pathetic being and already had to use it when I read the list of what I 'could' be tested on. Sad, sad, sad...

And off we go...

2010-02-20T17:48:00.000-08:00

There are days when I feel like living in the age of technology is a curse. I feel like we take the simple things in life for granted, and think of them as boring rather than sweet.

Sometimes I feel like we've forgotten what it is to have an actual conversation; one that doesn't involve hitting 'send' first.

But then there are the times when I get an online message from someone I haven't talked to in ages -- someone whose phone number has been lost or changed over the years; someone who has moved enough times that a mailing address becomes impossible to keep track of... It's those times when technology is an absolute blessing -- when their name is staring at you from your inbox, and that part of you that you've forgotten to tap into lately because it is so far in your past suddenly becomes alive again.

It's nice to know that all you need to do is type someone's name in a blank, and in a matter of seconds your lives can be connected again.

2010-02-19T13:02:00.000-08:00

Summary time!

- My audition is growing closer and closer by the second, and it still hasn't really hit me. At this point, I'm unsure if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

- Scott Johnson, my former next door neighbor and relative of sorts (ahhh, Naselle...) has become the new local hero, after receiving a gunshot wound to the head after a DUI arrest last week in Long Beach. He was taking inventory of a car about to be towed when a man who had nothing to do with the arrest itself came up and shot twice. The Washington State Patrol has seen too many tragedies in the past few months, and by God's grace Scott's name was not added to that fateful list of lives lost. What an amazing thing it was to watch the WSP caravan escort bring him safely home to a town of people that love him.

- Jeff and Katie Bjornsgard officially have a new addition to their family! Ava arrived in Miami from Haiti a few days ago with a tearful and relieved welcome from her new parents. It has been a long and emotional ride that so many people have become invested in -- and now she is here! A beautiful, precious gift for such a wonderful family.

- At this moment, I should be on my way to Rochester to spend the weekend with some of my best girls -- the first time we would have all been together at the same time in nearly 3 years. However, Life decided to be mean and instead I'm sipping apple juice... And throwing it back up. Awesome. For someone like me, a person whose whole world revolves more consistently when she's with her best friends, this is a travesty. C'est la vie, I suppose... Bah.

- This morning when I woke up, the elk were in the yard being watched by a couple of bald eagles. The fact that the population of wildlife here far exceeds the population of humans is something we like to joke about, but you know what? It's pretty special...

2010-02-05T12:09:00.000-08:00

Fruit. Singular.

Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control.

Fruit of the Spirit.
Not Fruits.

All or nothing.

2010-02-02T11:42:00.000-08:00

...to truly love

some silly little piece of music

or some band

so much

that it hurts...

- from 'Almost Famous'

2010-01-31T00:33:00.001-08:00

"The dreams I have laid upon your heart, I have given.

They will come to pass at exactly the right time."

These are the words that get me through each day.

While fighting through the trials that all high school seniors muddle through as they begin the process from childhood to adulthood, I found myself ready to give up. I'd get online to fill out applications, and spend more time on MySpace (facebook was, at that time, exclusively for college students) than on the actual task at hand. I knew what it was that I wanted to do with my life, but at that point I was struggling. I wasn't ready to admit the dream to anyone, fearing they wouldn't understand and would just tell me that it wasn't "a real way to make a living." I was also afraid that if I chased the dream, I'd end up finding that it was completely unattainable for a naive small town girl -- but I couldn't just give up on it. I couldn't bring myself to plan a "real life" because that would mean that I had forgotten everything I had ever wanted.

I was lost in limbo -- between dream life and real life.

During one of my procrastination sessions on MySpace, I stumbled onto the profile of an old friend that I hadn't viewed in a long time. She had filled her "About Me" with her favorite Scripture verses -- I read through them, and one caught my eye:

"The dreams I have laid upon your heart, I have given.

They will come to pass at exactly the right time."

They were the words I needed.

I can't remember now why I had to get offline so suddenly, but I know I left before I could get its...uh... Biblical address, if you will -- the book, chapter, and verse.

The next day at school, the words kept playing over and over in my head. I rushed home to check my friend's profile for where in the Bible I could find that verse, and it was gone. The other verses were there, but mine was gone. I got on Google, typed it in, and clicked search... Nothing. I typed it in again, this time in quotations... Nothing. I tried Scripture searches all over the internet...

Nothing. Nowhere. Nonexistent.

Miraculous.

I will never again let reality overshadow the dream.
It has been laid upon my heart for a reason.
It has been given.

It will come to pass at exactly the right time.

2010-01-27T08:27:00.000-08:00

My phone call came in e-mail form.

On March 6, I will be making the trek up to Seattle to audition for a spot in the vocal program at Cornish College of the Arts.

Wish me luck, kids!

2010-01-22T22:43:00.000-08:00

I've seen the sun disappear behind the New York City skyline.

I've sat under a palm tree and watched the fire of the Hawaiian sky

turn to black.

But nothing -- nothing will make my breath catch in my chest

like a sunset here at home.

Of this I am sure.

2010-01-22T00:17:00.000-08:00

I can be such a lazy bum.

Most days -- actually, all days, I dread going to work. I get in my car and turn up my music (though there's nothing at all unusual about that) and pout the whole way to Seaside.

Why do I do this? There are not many things in this world that I have a grey outlook upon. I usually find most everything fun and amusing (trust me, it really doesn't take much.) It's not that I hate my job, because I don't. I actually enjoy my job and the people I work with... Well, most days. There are a lot of strong personalities at work, and it's hard keep a room full of any kind of women drama-free for 8 minutes, let alone 8 hours.

Dress Barn is an incredibly bizarre company to work for. The expecations that they set are ridiculous. We have this new program called "Steps 2 Selling", or more efficiently titled "S2S". The steps they give are not impossible, and actually they are relatively good ideas that do work in making a sale. The only issue, though, is that they forget that every customer is different. If someone walks in only wanting to spend $50, that's all they're going to spend, no matter how hard you work to convince them otherwise. Yet, if we don't go through every single step they give us with every single customer, our job is automatically on the line. We don't get taken aside and told, "Maybe try it like this next time," or "Perhaps you should have brought them an item that would have worked for a casual or dressy event." No, we get scolded and threatened. It's insane.

Oh, and let's not forget the time they tried to convict us of fraud because we were using a coupon code that was assigned to a store in Texas. Okay, A: We didn't steal their code -- it is what is printed on the back of our mall coupon. We read it and type it in. Whoever screwed up in making the coupon is at fault, not us. (We sent them a copy of our coupon so they could actually see that we were right, and it felt better than it should have to prove them wrong.) B: This coupon has read this way for 3 years -- we checked the electronic store journal as to how far back those numbers have been punched in. Why, just now, is this auditor finally realizing that it's wrong... Do your job, pal. C: We lose money every time someone brings in a coupon. Why would we steal a coupon code for customers when we get no benefit from it?

So anyway, my job is ever-stressful because of the strange ways of the company. I am hardly one to keep my opinions a secret, but in this environment I know I better keep my mouth shut... Even though I would love nothing more than to debate with them and be the victor! But I know that another huge part in why I hate going is just that I'm a lazy slob. I love staying up late and sleeping in. I love spending the day in my pj's, catching up on my Tivo and scrapbooking. And I know that if I were ever given the choice to do that or go to work, I'd pick my jammies every time.

I need to change my outlook towards my job. Once I actually get to work, I'm usually fine and have a great attitude (though not without having to constantly remind myself to keep smiling.) I need prayer for energy to get up and face the day and not want to hide under my covers. I need prayer for strength to get through the day. Mostly, I need prayer for patience -- patience with the company; with whatever drama goes down daily at the Dress Barn. It will be hugely appreciated.

2010-01-20T07:36:00.000-08:00

I never knew Molly Hightower, yet the sound of her name has become as familiar to me as that of someone I've known my whole life.

Last week when Haiti was struck by a devastating earthquake, our little town was shaken harder than one would expect for a place so far away from the actual incident. Who ever thought that a small Finnish community in Washington state, and a tiny impoverished country thousands of miles away would ever be as connected as they are? As soon as we heard of the quake, our hearts and minds immediately went to those connections: Jeff and Katie's soon-to-be adopted daughter lives in Haiti. Andre, a missionary that the Valley Bible Church supports, lives in Haiti. Christina, my Mom's co-worker -- and very, very dear friend -- has a niece who also lives in Haiti.

We see on the news one natural disaster after another, and we see the people affected by it -- and while we hurt and pray for them, we never really understand what it is that they're going through. We see, but don't feel what it is to lose everything, or to wonder if your loved one has survived. Suddenly, the people of our town were thrown into the midst of how it feels to go through each day without knowing whether to celebrate a life, or mourn a loss. Watching people that we know and love so dearly wonder whether they've lost their child, their niece, or their friend was... There isn't a word for it. There shouldn't be a word for it...

After many days of worry and prayer, we got word that Andre was safe, as well as Jeff and Katie's little girl. We were so immensely grateful for answered prayer. It was like a huge weight had been lifted, but we were still waiting for information about Christina's niece -- her niece, Molly.

Her story was all over the news; the story of the Port Orchard girl who selflessly left her life in the States behind to care for special needs orphans in Haiti -- the story of a girl who gave her life for those orphans.

The news of Molly's death was hard for everyone -- it was hard for me. Over the few days that I had known her name and her story, I had felt a strange bond with her that I still can't explain. I don't know if it's because of our connection through her Aunt's friendship with my Mom, because her work with orphans is something that I've always cared so passionately about, or because of our shared faith... Maybe it's a combination of all three. Whatever the reason, I found myself grieving this girl. I still find myself grieving her.

Molly has a blog on this site: http://mollyinhaiti.blogspot.com/ My Mom and I started reading it a couple days before we heard the tragic news. Reading the words of this amazing girl has inspired me to do more with my life. Not to just dream about doing it -- but to actually do it.

The way her life has inspired me is similar to the way I've been inspired by the life of Jonathan Larson -- the composer of the Broadway musical 'Rent'. Both used their talents to better the lives of other people, and both lived lives that were all too short. What really struck me about the similarities in how I've been affected by them, was what I found in one number and seven simple words: 525, 600 minutes; how do you measure a year? It's a line from one of Jonathan Larson's songs -- also the name of Molly's blog. How interesting is it that this girl who has inspired me so much, was deeply touched enough by the words of a man who has also given me much inspiration, that she titled her blog with them?

If anyone knows 'Rent', you know that it's more about the moral of the story than the actual story, and Molly's life encompassed it: live your life for every moment, love people for who they are, and give a little of yourself to help someone else. Maybe that's another way in which I feel bonded to her -- we've both been inspired by the music of this show.

Please visit Molly's blog. Read about the incredible work she did and about the children she loved. Let her life inspire you to do more for this world.

2010-01-16T10:08:00.000-08:00

One phone call -- that's all I need now.

I filled out my online application to Cornish College of the Arts a month ago, trying desperately to remember all the activities, clubs and volunteer opportunities I had participated in from my freshman to senior year of high school. I made lists of everything I could remember, and I spent way too much time stressing over two 500 word essays: 1. Who are you as an artist, and how will Cornish allow you to grow? 2. Choose a song that has inspired you and explain how.

Usually I could whip those essays out with no trouble, but I suddenly found myself unable to find the words... And I lost the words in a way that not even a call to good ol' Mr. Wise could fix. I've spent the last 2 years making and completely changing plans -- never losing sight of what the dream is, but the road to getting there keeps winding. Going to Cornish is my last 'logical' idea, and I found myself realizing that in a huge way as I tried to fumble my way through those essays. ''What can I say that will make them like me?" and "I shouldn't say that, I should use a bigger word to sound like I'm more knowledgeable in music,'' were only a few of the thoughts running through my head. It took a lot of sitting and staring, an enormous honey-vanilla chai latte, and some encouraging words from my cousin's girlfriend Erin (thanks, Erin!) to get me to just sit down and write about me and my thoughts -- not what I thought the Admissions Office wanted to hear.

Because I had a late start on my application, I couldn't get my transcripts from the school until after Christmas Break (go, me.) So I waited and waited for January, and sat and read the countless e-mails stating 'your application has been received, but we're missing your transcripts' Sorry, guys -- they're on their way! I promise!...Oy. It was a long few weeks.

Finally school started up again and I was able to get my transcripts sent, but the process wasn't done. I had to record my pre-screening cd... Yay.

Essentially, the pre-screening cd is a way to avoid the American Idol crazies. In an effort to save themselves from days of sitting through auditions of people who have no business being there, Cornish has all music performance majors send in a cd of themselves so they can fish through those and eliminate the hopeless. The left over candidates get an invite to a live audition.

I had done something similar before when I auditioned for the Continental Singers, but this situation was different. I was 13 when I made my casette (ha!) for Continentals, and I didn't really have an idea then of what it was like to be nervous of being turned down. If I didn't make it, my life wouldn't change at all. This time is different. There's a lot riding on this cd.

The three songs I chose to sing are not songs I would have chosen if I'd had more time: 'If I Loved You', 'Nel Cor Piu Non mi Sento' and 'Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again'. None of them scream, ''Here I am -- this is who I am as a singer!'' No... While they may not hear it, the songs actually say, ''Alrighty, I had zero time to prepare, I know these songs by heart, and my accompanist knows how to play them..." Sweet. We'll see how it plays out.

I practiced each song a few times so I'd know exactly what I wanted to do for the recording. The first two songs went pretty well -- although there is one passage in 'Nel Cor' that gave me trouble and even in the recording process I redid it, oh... Probably five or six different times.

'Wishing' was a whole different story. When I started practicing it, my Mom looks up from the piano and says, "You have to sing the story. You did it with the other two."

Awesome. Here I am, already fighting off terrible nerves knowing that this cd is a big deal, and she tells me to really sing the story of this song -- the story about a girl losing her father. Not a place I want to go to, Mother! Especially when my Dad is in the room. Especially when I'm already fighting nervous tears... I quit fighting at that point, though. The tears came... And came and came and came.

I ran to the church kitchen and made myself some peppermint tea, trying to keep snot from filling my larynx (such a glamorous profession.) I took it up to the nursery and texted Conor, spilling my guts into the phone... He's a good friend for actually putting up with me in my crazy moments when I can't even put up with myself, and an even better friend for actually responding. That boy gave me good words to make me suck it up and go out there and record. Actually, that boy gave me words that, at first, made me cry even more, but he doesn't know that... Well, he does now, but... Okay, beside the point.

The point is, I got through the recording. The cd was mailed out on Monday.

Now I wait for a phone call. A phone call saying I've been invited to a live audition. This will be the most stressful step of all, but I'm not worried about that at this second. I'm just worried about getting there.

C'mon phone... Ring!

2010-01-07T23:33:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I wish I could just pack a bag, jump on a plane and jet out of the country -- just for a while.

No plans. No inhibitions. No worries.
Just me, God, and the world.

Then I remember expenses, language barriers, strange food and customs and human trafficking, (something we, sadly, have to remember is now a huge issue...) It instantly puts a damper on my mood, though they are things one needs to consider.

Even still, I can't help but be tempted by the romanticism of it all: The spontaneity of leaving the world you know behind, and the adventure of exploring a brand new place -- the excitement of meeting interesting people, and the adrenaline in wondering what's to come next.

Maybe one day I'll just do it.
Maybe one day I'll just have to...

Yes.
One day I'll just have to.

2010-01-06T16:08:00.000-08:00

A new year -- a new beginning.

After a long and stressful 2009 full of illness, off-the-wall employers, college applications gone awry and ever-changing life plans, I'm counting on this year being one of change and growth.

Never in my life have I entered a new year with so much hope. I finally feel like my time has come. Last year was one of discouragement and hardship -- neverending tests of my faith, and a constant struggle to hold on to my dreams...

Not this year.
This year will be amazing.
Exciting. Scary. Beautiful. Challenging. Incredible.

Hello, 2010: Let's be friends.